Things to avoid
Strong news releases vary in length, style, or word choice. But they always reflect accuracy and clarity. They communicate. They get results. People read them. News people write about them.
Weak news releases contain any number of problems. But those tend to fall under two main categories: not accurate, or not clear. Below is a list of potential pitfalls, as well as clearly annotated examples of what each might look like in a weak news release.
Pitfalls:
- Writing a “lead” (opening sentence) that tries to say too much by densely packing in too many details.
- Trying to cram too many numbers and figures into one place, thereby obscuring the meaning of the most important number.
- Listing names, titles and organizations, rather than telling a story.
- Using institutional jargon that a general audience can’t understand.
- Using a quote that repeats facts, contains jargon or windy opinions and doesn’t otherwise clearly explain the bigger picture.
- Using convoluted sentence structure rather than simple subject-verb-object structure.
- Using two-dollar words when five-cent words will get the point across.
Pitfall examples
Below are examples of potential pitfalls. Each pitfall is paired with a strong example for comparison, from the releases above.
Ex. 1
Strong: TALLAHASSEE– Leon County School students this year will benefit from a newly-developed civics curriculum designed to be replicated state-wide, thanks to support from the John S. and James L. Knight Foundation.
Weak: TALLAHASSEE -- The Florida Joint Center for Citizenship, a partnership between the Lou Frey Institute of Politics and Government at the University of Central Florida and the Bob Graham Center for Public Service at the University of Florida, is pleased to announce a newly developed civics curriculum designed to be replicated state-wide, serving all 32,000 K-12 Leon County students, who will be enriched by the interactive program, and which is funded by a generous grant from the John S. and James L. Knight Foundation.
Because this opening sentence tries to say too much, it ends up saying little of value. The lead also lists names and titles that merely detract from the story. The original clearly tells the news in a nutshell.
Ex. 2
Strong: With Florida students lagging in civics and U.S. history, the pilot project will provide students with the skills they need to make decisions about and participate fully in their communities. Leon County, the seat of state government, will provide an ideal backdrop for the project.
Weak: This renewed commitment and ability to implement our strategic objectives of lifting educational trajectories for a far-reaching constituency will allow K-12 students to participate fully in their communities.
This example uses institutional jargon (implement strategic objectives; educational trajectories; far-reaching constituency) that has no inherent meaning. It doesn’t move the story forward. The original explains the larger problem – students lagging in civics and history.
Ex. 3
Strong: The Poynter Institute announced today that it will use a $1.4 million, five-year grant from the John S. and James L. Knight Foundation to help transform journalism education by expanding the world’s most successful and innovative journalism e-learning site.
Weak: The Poynter Institute announced today that it has received a $1.4 million, five-year grant from the John S. and James L. Knight Foundation to expand News University, an innovative Web site in development for 18 months in 2005 and used by 2,000 early users after initial funding by a previous $2.8 million grant from Knight.
This paragraph crams in too many numbers and figures. Somehow, the point, transforming journalism education, has been entirely lost.
Ex. 4
Strong: “No matter what their profession, everyone needs to understand what it takes to be an effective citizen in a democratic system,” Jackie Pons, superintendent of Leon County Schools, said. “The strength and stability of our way of life depends on that.”
Weak: “We are deeply grateful to the Knight Foundation for their generous grant that will help us implement our strategic objectives for all 32,000 K-12 Leon County students, who will participate in moot court exercises at the local courthouse, a mock election that coincides with this fall’s votes and participating in service learning projects.”
This quote repeats facts and uses windy opinions as well as institutional jargon. It does not clearly illustrate the bigger picture, doesn’t explain why this grant is important.
Ex. 5
Strong: Specifically, NewsU plans to offer new courses to help journalists and others make the transition to a digital world.
Weak: In shifting its current content management system to a Web 2.0 platform, as well as delivering course content in multiple languages and creating e-learning modules on news literacy for the general public, News U plans to offer new courses to help journalists and others.
This paragraph loses the point in its convoluted sentence structure – a series of long introductory phrases before the subject of the sentence. The original uses simple subject-verb-object sentence structure.